2020. Who knew? All I can say is WOW, is it over yet?
As I started this blog this morning, I could not avoid 'a truth' to me and felt it necessary to express my experience this year so far. This is by no means about anyone but me.
2020 has afforded me so much more than I ever imagined, as it began with the world burning in Australia followed by a virus that locked the world down in fear. Swinging deeply into the long-ignored reality of People of Color and the horror they live with every day still.
I walked willingly into education about my role in the continuance of this by avoiding the depth of the truth. This education released me from fear of this truth, 'POC' are suffering and this needs to be honored. I have not been as attentive as I could have been, for that I apologize.
Was it because I had my own battles to fight?
Was it because I had no support in my life when shit hit the fan?
Was it because I didn’t have the capacity to be present for their journey?
That no longer matters, I am here now,
I see you!
I will make many mistakes on the road to reconciliation, I apologize for my past ignorance’s and I stand in whatever capacity I have with you. Be it to just check-in and see how you are doing in this horrible reality that you have been struggling with for all your life and to be present for whatever arises.
I know deep within; I am a better person for me as a result of this education. I hope to be a better support for POC.
Like most of us, 2020 has changed our relationship with others, and it began very early for me as someone I truly loved revealed to me the need for separate paths, I was no longer a benefit for this person.
Calling my attention to the work I still needed to do around Fear.
This arrived at a crucial transition point in myself, my journey, and gratefully released me from many patterns that would have sabotaged my experience of 2020 (not that I needed any more).
This happened at a point where I was building my private practice, educating many and being of service, this caught me off guard, yet set me on this current understanding of my experience in 2020 and how FEAR is a weapon used against us, and this is not new, it’s so ancient.
I had learned long ago that I no longer wanted fear to decide how I react, but to become my honorable century, and I wanted to trust my fear was a support that I could trust, that had my back.
My personal journey, like everyone, began when I was born. I became conscious of it when I knew I had to leave an abusive marriage. One that my father and stepmother pushed on me with threats of disowning me at 16 as a result of their embarrassment of me being a pregnant teenager.
How did they do this to a teenager you ask?
It still happens every day.
A child maybe didn’t get what they needed in a full-body-mind-soul way, then begins to fear the loss of so much and seeks connection and acceptance. So much so that they end up betraying themselves, feeling trapped in the very thing they feared.
Continuing the body, mind, and soul abuse passed down from centuries ago.
Did they know this is what they feared?
I don’t think so, I don't believe I could have named what I feared, because of the separation of mind, body, and soul that happened thousands of years before they were created.
Some stay, as they would rather wrestle with the devil, they know than the one they don’t know. I had been in this familiar battle for the first 19 years of my life, I had run, only to be returned. I had chosen the wrong people to run to. So, I ran to strangers only to have the “family” support my husband and lose my children for 9 months. I was so trapped in fear that even in a moment I was afforded my children I was frozen, unable to act. What I had experienced in leaving him, was new and I had no support. I was barely alive, and I had nothing in me for them or me. To the world; I looked selfish and spoilt.
I was deeply broken, detached from my body, from my soul and my mind. I was addicted to and consumed by fear.
This was several lifetime’s ago to me; it seems unreal, I struggled with believing it was my life and to many who know me now they can’t seem to fathom it. I have been judged and sentenced by so many that I no longer give credence to other’s opinions.
I know I am not everyone’s cup of tea, and I am okay with this, if you know me and have had the opportunity to experience me, you will have a different view of me, depending on the experience.
If you have met my Anger, it’s because my boundaries have been infringed on, and you were the catalyst that lead me to take a stand, Thank You. Blessings to you and it’s my prayer that you may feel a release of the pain you endured.
If you have met my back, it’s because the greatest support we can be for each other is on separate paths, thank you for teaching me this and the lessons I gained as a result of you.
If you have met my soul, it’s because it has been reintegrated as a result of tremendous work, that was not always easy, but with the right support, it was a breeze.
This reintegration brought me to a place where I was able to bare my soul without concern for judgment and abandonment by you. Even if you left, it has become no longer about me.
Thank you for seeing me.
My fear showed me this, and I am grateful.
What most don’t know is fear can be one of our greatest allies as we move forward in life. Trusting this takes work, understanding, and information.
The information I needed was about how my system responds to the world events of this day.
For most of my life, the reality of being separated at birth from my Mind, Body, and Soul connection, I generally confronted the events with an “FY” attitude that came out of CPTSD which was merged deeply in depression and OCD.
To my surprise this time, 2020, this was no longer happening for me, I didn't choose to be in this year differently, I was in this year very different.
I was calm amongst the many fears flying around, the anger and the aggression, the panic, and destruction. I had never experienced this calm; I had only thought I had known it. Not that I didn’t have my moments this past year, yet I am certain they were a result of what was healing within more than world events.
My work has transformed through shadow work into a journey of merging a; “Divine Trinity”. Mind, Body, and Soul, teaching others the importance of this.
As well as walking with them as a compassionate witness through this integration.
Centuries ago a pattern was created, in fear of what? Isn’t important anymore to me.
This pattern is used to control one via, logic, religion, and body.
Pick one, we all fall under each category and my diagnosis of CPTSD drove me to this awareness.
The religious abuse I suffered at the feet of my father and his gatherers can never be expressed in words, it was incomplete and utter need to control me because of what they feared.
Their fear blinded them to the abuse I was enduring in front of them. Had they known my husband raped me twice daily would they have done something? I would like to think that they would have, I do know their fears blinded them to the abuse.
FEAR!! Created in separation to control.
With promises of salvation.
After 3 years of this abuse, I didn’t care about their promises of heaven, I cared about my very soul it was dying.
I noticed it was separate from me.
I got my mind involved, unaware that my mind had been trained in the dysfunction of the abuse from before I was born and it ran the show, separating my body. I was convinced if I changed my thoughts my life would change.
That landed me in a psych ward. In the spring of 1986 after safely getting my children back from this nightmare and being safely supported by the police in escaping the journey of the past 6.5 years, I had 3 back to back nervous system breakdowns. In the fall of 1985, while pretending to be the perfect wife to achieve this goal, I had my first nervous system breakdown.
I quickly learned that if I didn’t pretend to be successful and ok, I was not going to make it out alive and neither would my children.
I am a great actor and fooled even myself.
Fast forward in this script to 1993, I began the integration of my mind and soul with the help of a woman named Susana Blackburn. She walked me back with love into my nightmare, she held me as my body convulsed with memories my mind could not comprehend.
I began to believe me.
I began to see me.
I had never known such compassion and such loving acceptance.
The integration of my mind and soul carried on, as I tried all the “positive self-talk” tools presented only to land up against a horrid brick wall that was over 100ft thick.
In 2000 I went to a talk at the Misericordia hospital. Dr. Jane Simington was presenting on Soul Pain. This moved my journey over the next 18 years as my soul became more of an ever-present participant in my life. As many tragedies arrived, my soul remained ever-present. I still could not get the “positive self-talk” to work.
I had a great understanding from deep within that it was a form of abuse against my very being, it was a lie that I could not believe. I moved forward with the merging, working with my body unaware of how I was thinking the connection rather than experiencing the connection.
In November 2017 I experienced my first session with what was called SE, I had never heard of it prior. I had read all of Peter Levine, Ph.D.’s books and never noticed the term.
Today I have completed the first year of SE and am one course away from completing the second year. I have made the shift from thinking, believing, and knowing of the Divine Trinity in me to experiencing the Divine Trinity of Me.
It began very slowly, with noticing a touch rather than thinking a touch being so profound to me in January of 2019.
This is a visceral experience; beyond anything I know. It has had a profound effect on my relationship with myself.
The merging of my Mind & Soul prepared me for the merging of my Body.
This is slowly taking over my every experience.
I am experiencing my soul expressing through my body, my mind expressing through my body, and my body expressing my mind and my spirit.
2020 has brought me the teachings of Resmaa Menakem – In my Grandmothers Hands, & Debby Irving, Waking up White.
2020 has merged these works of art, with the teachings of Dr. Jane Simington, Gabor Mate’, Bessel Van der Kolk MD, and Peter Levine deep within my cells.
2020 has placed me in the virtual classrooms of Linda Stelte, MEd, CCC, SEP & SE Trauma Institute Faculty educator and Peter Levine (an industry leader in studying and treating trauma), Abi Blakeslee SEP, CMT, MFT, Ph.D., David Berger a somatic psychotherapist, physical therapist and Glyndie Nickerson, bodyworker and a clinical psychologist, consultant & Somatic Experiencing Practitioner.
2020 has placed me in virtual Case Consults with professionals around the world, professionals in the merging of all aspects of being human. Without judgment or fear, without agendas or need to control.
2020 has merged within me these great works of art, their art of being human and sharing what they know with the world. Teaching me how to be better support for myself and for the many I work with.
2020 is far from over, we still have just under 2 months to go.
I am so grateful for 2020.
I am curious what are you grateful for?
What gifts have you received this year?
My gift was me!
In Love and Light.
Mj
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