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6 Years ago I changed...

Unwillingly, I changed. I did not seek out this change and would trade almost everything to get you back in a heartbeat.

Yet I would never trade who I have become as a result of your death.

6 years ago the most devastating news of my life, caused me to collapse, my world changed.

When I got up off the floor I was literally torn in half, the half that did not follow my daughter had to learn how to stand, how to talk, and how to be.

This was a slow journey of putting together this new me, with a foot in two different worlds.

At the beginning of this journey knowing that standing was too hard, I crawled.

Unknowingly, I began navigating through who I was, who I had been, and what I was left with.

What I saw induced more grief, more trauma patterns, and more work.

Through this experience, I began choosing what parts of me I wanted in this new life that I could not escape.

I was really good at pushing myself on others, hoping I had enough to offer that they would want me in their lives.

I was really good at putting me on the back burner to keep these relationships.

I know that in these two roles I hurt a lot of people.

These were aspects I didn’t want to bring into this new life.

This took time to release, and the greatest gift I was given in this process were the words; “ Is it alright if I grieve the loss of your daughter now”.

These words told me ‘my grief was too much for them’.

That my grief took away the space they needed to grieve.

It also told me that they needed me to be there for them now that I have had so much time to grieve, if I was there for them instead of grieving, they would feel that they had my permission to grieve.

I was shocked when these words came out of this person’s mouth, did they know what they were saying to me?

Even if they didn’t, I did.

That day ended my ability to be with that person on a deep level, I will never stop grieving the loss of my daughter for anyone.

One more time I tried to be with this person, to support them, and again I faced an inability to be with me, I was too much work for that person.

I knew it.

I am so grateful for the gift of freedom that person gave me.

I no longer have to be for them.

As a result, I saw, I can be for me.

Even now grief at the loss of that relationship is real and present

Even knowing it cannot continue, for that part of me died with Vickie, the tears fill my eyes.

I miss what I wished I had in that relationship. I miss the successes we had, yet I am grateful for them.

The news of my daughter’s death changed the balance of my life, I am walking now and solid in so many more ways than I ever was.

To all the people who have not continued this journey with me, blessings to you.

My leaving your world, created space for others to enter your life, your leaving my world created space for others to enter my life.

I wish you a heart full of love and light, I wish you blessings, peace and joy, and a gentle next phase of your life.

Thank you for the gift you were to me, and I apologize for not thanking you sooner.

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