Self Trust is directly related to Self Abandonment.
Real self abandonment begins when you try to feel different than how you actually feel. "Teal Swan"
This past three weeks have been a journey, a lifetime of opportunities to abandon myself or to show up and be my own hero, to stand up for me, to support me and trust myself to take care of myself.
I had a visitation dream Tuesday, July 29 during a much needed afternoon nap due to heat stroke. The visitor was a woman with white hair and I immediately assumed it was my 90+ Grandmother. She shared that she was leaving the physical realm within the next 7 days. I called my sister after I woke, knowing she was close to our grandmother than I was and it would really effect her.
I was completely surprised later that day when my sister-in-law called later that evening sharing that my husbands mother had a stroke. I did not put my dream together with the phone call until much later in the week.
The next 12 days were filled with so many opportunities to grow and develop healthier relationships with many in my life but most of all with myself and then my husband.
Being grounded was my first priority and I managed this really well for the majority of the first 2 weeks, as I supported my husband in this journey. I listened to my guides as I interacted with my mother-in-law an assisted my husband in developing an ability to communicate with his comatose mother on a consciousness to consciousness level. I am grateful for his willingness and openness to this form of communication with his mother and truly felt his elation as he began to hear his mother in a way he has never trusted.
This communication alleviated the pain of anticipatory grief that had begun to influence the last moments with his mother's body. And initiated immense gratitude from my mother-in-law. I knew at that moment I could relax a bit, and my husband would be okay.
The lightning bolt that awaited me caught me completely off guard, I was drained and exhausted, worried about our dogs who had not spent much time outside of the motor home for the past 5 days and needed time with me. Concerned about my children and grandchildren who had planned a vacation with Nana and Papa only to end up tenting in some strangers yard.
I left the hospital to go to bed, when it hit.
Shadows lurk around every corner and when we seek to avoid them, the resistance only attracts them. It would take me a few days to figure what about me attracted the shadow that night.
The irony of one who had dismissed me for over 23 years regardless of my attempts to be enough for that person was now hurt by being dismissed by me. Was what gave me strength to endure the pain of this shadow in my moment of weakness.
I had been so consumed with the well being of my husband that I had been dismissing my basic needs and the shadow of that reared its ugly head through another.
Shadows are part of life, and only arise when one is ready to face or work through them, and as tired and drained as I was I knew this. I just didn't think I could at that moment. The gift in the moment of the Shadows rein was it brought out my emotions that I had been dismissing, releasing all resistance to them and allowing them to flow freely as I cried deep grief felt sobs for several hours.
I am not certain how long I cried or how long I had been asleep when the phone rang, it was 4:00 am and brought news of my mother-in-law passed.
I went and picked up my husband from his sisters and brought him home to sleep. I had no intention of letting him know what had gone on the night before, his mother had passed.
It was this ingrained behavior that caused me to dismiss myself and my needs, I needed my husband for that moment and I turned away from my need putting him before me. The universe then brought the previous evenings events out regardless of how much I resisted it coming by someone completely different than I had guessed would ever mention it.
My husband had to think of me on the day he lost his mother, rather than himself as a result. The guilt tormented me and caused a greater separation from myself over the next few days. I had been resisting what I was feeling, putting my feelings on the back burner for later in order to support my husband and doing that caused me to break.
Anger set in and I was completely consumed by this anger. I was angry at myself but blamed the people who exposed my shadow. The language is familiar and anyone who has danced the victim dance will know what the language was and know that it does not need repeating.
I had abandoned myself, and the universe pointed it out and I was angry and struggled with resistance of it.
When my husband wanted to assist me in working through this I said no, and told him to take care of himself because his mother had just passed away, that he need not focus on me right now.
Now I was rejecting him at a time when he was grateful for all my support and wanted to re connect with me again.
Oh how the Shadow Dances.
Mj
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