Fearing Fear creates an inner toxicity… A metaphoric soup that boils over to the point that it sticks to all surfaces it touches. As it continues to boil, it becomes a crust on the bottom of the pot and begins to burn. When something is left to burn on the stove, the entire house is filled with the stench, that can last for a long time…
There was a power outage, while my husband and I were walking in the ground floor of the local IKEA.
The moment darkness claimed me a terror ignited, a terror I had long since forgotten.
This terror was crusty and inflexible, and had a horrible stench that gripped the bottom of my soul, the inner child in me froze in place…
Fear has been an active part of my life from birth. My parents were consumed by their fear, and like their parents before them they also inflicted their fears in their children. Being familiar with terror, memories of being judged for being “sensitive” and “weak” I was constantly told to grow a backbone rather than being a “Scared-ie Cat” for the rest of my life.
Due to my history, my 'A. N. S.' (Autonomic Nervous System) functioned in a heightened state of ‘Fight and Flight’. At the very same time it was at war with the heightened state of ‘Freeze and Collapse’. These three states have been at war within my system most of my life. I learned this language before I was 3 years old. I am very skilled at operating in this state of distress, and dys-regulation. This did not require conscious thought as I never knew what state was going to take over, or how to find a way out of whatever state was in control at the time. This was not conscious; it was Sub-conscious.
4.5 years ago, my 33-year-old daughter passed away, awakening in me, the “fear of fear” showing me how I had functioned in it quite well for a very long time. I could not Fight this event, nor Flee from it, so I collapsed in Freeze. Her passing revealed an anger in me for ‘fearing fear’.
Over the next few years this “fear of fear” shifted via awareness and acceptance of it (the “fear of fear”) along with gaining new insight and knowledge, my defense mechanism released it and fear became a strength.
Yes, Fear Became a Strength.
Fear shifted from a belief, into a part of my guidance system.
What did not shift was the A.N.S. 3-way battle. The language that I am skilled and practice daily with out even being aware I am.
This awareness revealed to me that I can survive my greatest fears. Also, what fears I had held as truth, were from others. Revealing that I had consciously chose to allow others fears to have a complete and utter consumption of my hope and any joy. This awareness revealed what fears had merit for me.
It also revealed my own personal power, and that even though there is evil and good, evil has no place in my life.
It once did…
Standing on the ground floor of the warehouse with my husband Todd when the power went out. I was surprised at my recognition of the terror as it consumed me, as its desired full possession of me deep within my cells. My brain chimed in claiming that I had no logical reason for this terror, yet my body was frozen in place…
The battle within my A. N. S. was activated.
In learning a new language, that is beneficial to my life moving forward, I worked at following this awareness rather than resisting the feeling, jumping into passive Fight, (telling myself I had no reason to fear right now) which is bypassing, or aggressive flee (running blindly in a dark maze).
I honored my current state, Todd began to lead, to guide me to follow him, I whispered, I could not, I was frozen in place.
I asked myself where my feet were in the very moment, not dismissing the feeling, not fighting it. Just adding a second aspect of awareness. (This is a new language for my A. N. S. I did not learn this overnight.) Doing this has taken lots of practice and in that moment, I was grateful for the practice as I was able to stay present until the terror waned.
As terror and fear wanes, it lets go of its grip. I cannot tell you how long we stood there together, not needing anything else, respecting my A. N. S. it loosened enough for me to recognize my hand in Todd’s.
Was it there before the terror struck, or did I grab it as I was freezing? I do not know. Todd’s respect and love for me assisted in my success as I observed and listen to this terror, it let go of me, showing me that I needed to stand in this terror and get to know it from a place of awareness rather than from a place of fight or flight.
As I stand in this place of observation, I am learning a new language, not alone, with the support of my husband, one who had less adverse experiences in his childhood, who has the ability to regulate himself and hold center for me when I am unable. This teaches me regulation.
In this place of observation, I asked what caused such terror? And what it wanted me to know or see?
Images raced through my mind, long forgotten experiences that had similar residue.
For several weeks leading up to this moment ‘Fear had been spinning its web’… Vibes surfaced that were scaring many. Many shared this fear with me. This fear demanded attention. I listened as some voiced this fear trying to respect and understand, trying to honor them. At the same time noticing a frustration growing within me. This frustration was internal, about me, not about those who were sharing with me. I knew I needed to look at this frustration and was grateful for what triggered this in me.
I must say that as I am surrounded by like-minded highly gifted individuals, I am certain they felt my frustration. And that this could challenge their willingness to discuss fear with me, I have to honor this for them. I want to clarify, that I am so blessed by people who care enough to let me in on their concerns, and to point out something that is potentially dangerous to me and others. To share with me their concern of misuse of my resources by others. They did this is such a loving respectful manner and I am so grateful for these souls in my life.
As I reviewed my experiences following the warehouse, I recognized that the frustration in me is a result of the need to teach my A. N. S. a new language. That operating in the war within was no longer serving me, it was actually depleting my energy.
The gift of others sharing their concerns, their fears, is beginning an inquiry of fear, and found myself on the ground floor of IKEA facing my A. N. S. in action…
It is human nature to desire unity, and one is challenged often when they feel things, that are valid, and others do not feel the same way… My husband Todd was not afraid in the darkness, if he had been, I am not certain the experience would have had the same outcome.
Knowing that fear needs validation and it needs to be honored, knowing that is our nature to seek this from outside of ourselves, to unite, to be part of something bigger than ourselves. Is so very important, for this is how we regulate, we come into this world not knowing how to regulate and need to learn this language. This is critical to our ability to function. Hearing we are not wrong, opens us up to more than just resistance. Our fears have benefited us on our journey, they have brought us to the very moment. They are not wrong; they may be ready to shift and without honoring they are blocked deep within our body and hold us in an emotional prison.
A prison that is a result, ‘in my opinion’ from the rules we learnt in our past, that may still be governing our present. Fears that assured our place in groups, in families and in society. Fears that are archaic and no longer benefiting our present or our future.
In my life I had experienced family fear and group fear.
The fear of:
- the welfare child.
- the child from the wrong side of the tracks.
- the street kids.
- the latch key rejects.
- the child from a broken home, for it will break your home if you are not careful.
- not being good enough.
- having more and bullied for it.
- being excluded.
- being included.
All of which I experienced at one point in my life.
In attempts to liberate myself from what came with the trauma of my childhood, I was moved into my fathers’ home. No longer surrounded by those who feared me, I entered a brief moment of perceived freedom. This perceived freedom blocked my ability to see the deeply integrated “obligatory group perception of fear” I was welcomed into with open arms. Under the disguise of safety, as long as I was blending in and participating in this “new group” I was not introduced to the fear that motivated this group.
As it so happens, in safety we grow and I was growing out of the fearful child, who hid all aspects of her prior life from all those around her. I compartmentalized it, making it not real, this current moment in time was real, this is what mattered and everything prior is over, so I believed. (unfortunately, this is part of the ‘positive mind movement’s strategy’ that works for a time)
I began to expand, to learn to be, and I dropped my guard, the survival skills I had mastered by the age of 11 were not needed here. Enjoying this for just over a year in this momentary freedom momentary peace, I was introduced to my new groups fear, via judgment and manipulation.
Not seeing it coming, I was enjoying my first record, I had never had one of my own. It was ‘Hearts Greatest Hits’ in the middle of a song the bedroom door burst open, as the father was yelling at me, and taking the record off the record player and braking it in front of me. “This is the devils’ music! I will not have it in my house!”
I was extremely confused and remember thinking: “The devil’s music? How could the devil’s music make me feel so good?”
The sermon began with confusing words: “it lures one into perceived safety so it can capture you and take you to hell!
I remember thinking: “What???” I was confused; “This music is going to take me to hell? It can capture me?” Slowly fear began to shatter my perceived freedom and peace... I remember thinking: “I had left hell; I knew it had nothing to do with music” Then asking: “had I truly left hell?”
Over the next year my perceived freedom was shattered more, I was told how the radio was a form of communication of sinners, sending subliminal messages that will lead you straight to hell…
I was told, as long as I listened to it, the sinners had power over me, and I would be lead to hell, there is no way back from hell…
I remember thinking; “What???” as a creeping sensation began to drag me back down into the awareness discovering I had never left hell; I had just had a brief vacation in the sappy illusion of another groups facade…
The next assault was on the people who did not go the “their church” they were sinners and leading me to hell!
The deep darkness that offered no understanding ripped the last measure of freedom from me. I had never had one friend before coming to this home, now my friends were evil. The cage was set and if I did not fear what they feared I was evil and going to hell.
In this nightmare, with my survival instincts disengaged I was brutally raped and within a year of the rape, I was married to someone I did not know.
Many years later with 3 small children I found myself running for our lives from the man my parents chose for me to marry, willing to go to hell. Willing to face the group perception because I no longer feared what they feared.
Being rejected by the only family I had left was a greater hell than the one they feared, and I willingly entered this rejection, survival instincts back on board. I was alone and very afraid of everyone and everything…
Swimming alone in my PTSD with no one, I created a shoreline and began to build a life. In the challenge of survival, the challenge of growth, learning about love and kindness only to discover that I was teaching my children to fear what I feared. It is not easy to see clearly when fear is in charge and to see that my children are not me, they do not have the same conditioning as I did, they did not need to fear what I feared. The shadow is something one is unaware of, something I was unconscious of.
My new husband Todd had shown me this and had assisted in helping set my children free of my fears. I am so grateful for this man…
All these years later I have risen with a new family, created as I build my life in this freedom. I see the “group” from so long ago, and I send love and light, I send all the love and blessings their hearts can contain. I am grateful for what they taught me for now I see the freedom I have gained from no longer joining group fear from both sides.
With this awareness deep within me, the terror in this warehouse caught my attention.
Drawing me to recognize I was unconscious of the fear; “I don’t want to be abandoned again.” Would this group abandon me for not fearing what they fear? My cellular body fears I will be abandoned once more, because it has happened many times before…
The frustration of having to start over, wondering if I would ever just be able to grow with people rather than always having to start over… I know those who were sharing themselves with me experienced this without any connection to what it was in me, it could have triggered deeper fear in them…
Now, In the ground floor of this warehouse the terror showed me a vision; a story played out in my mind.
I saw a small Japanese girl about 4 years old. She was telling me that this place killed her. I asked her if it was in an earthquake, knowing that there are a lot in Japan. No, she said, it was in this land, this country. I asked “America”? no she said, Canada.
I raced through my knowledge of Canadian history and could not find a connection, so she showed me the next thing, slowly the images entered my mind of this little Japanese girl behind a fence in a concentration camp. I was confused until I remembered reading in my 30’s about the camps built during the second world war, they were built across Canada to house all Asian people, primarily Japanese due to the bombing of pearl harbor.
She shared with me images of group fear, group hatred that she witnessed through the fence that surrounded her compound. Her parents told her to not look, not see this side of people.
Her parents explained how they are afraid of something that her parents said "we are not part of." Other than the color of our skin…. Do not look. Her parents did not want her to see this kind of terror, this kind of fear. But she could not help looking. She wanted to know why she was being hated, knowing she was not part of the world problems. She knew that those on the other side were supporting the world problems. She wished while also knowing she could do nothing about them.
She took me a bit farther into her life, she was so tinny, so young, a few months had passed, and she was lying down, weak and frail. She did not show me how she got there, just that she was dying, and she desperately wanted me, needed me to know that group fear, group persecution is what caused her pain, her illness and would cause her death.
As she was dying, she begged me to remember, that group fear harms the innocent, blocks growth and supports persecution…. Begging me to never join in group fear again…
There are so many abandoned by group fear, excluded out of groups because they don’t quite fit.
So many who trigger fear in others unknowingly.
I see this in every aspect of our lives, today it’s in the news, horrible things are happening and people have good reason to be afraid, yet I ponder many of the fears that are not regarding the horror in the world with the question:
What is the fear trying to tell you?
Are you being attacked?
If not, why do you give in and open yourself up to fear someone or something?
Is this fear from my past or am I actually in danger?
Does this fear have anything to do with someone outside of me?
I have been invited to support different causes, the fight against poverty, the fight against global warming, the fight against evil…
I decline, not because I am weak, or do not wish to see poverty resolved, or the earth I live on restored, nor do I wish to condone evil. And defiantly not because what one fears is not valid…
I support the light, love, kindness, compassion.
Its because once in my life I saw what each of these acts of courage were and wanted to be them….
These acts of courage in the face of fear, persecution and even terror, had more impact in my life than judgment or fear ever did…
I am not saying to be fearful is less than, or that I am any better than those who are in fear, I have been consumed by fear and terror.
I have stood in the presence of pure evil and demanded my right as a child of the creator for it to leave and watched it leave.
I support others on their journey by being the love they may never have seen. Walking in the light that softens the strength of the darkness they may be surrounded by. Sharing with no agenda what kindness truly is…
Are we taking or are we being? Doing without taking is the greatest gift we can offer… which is what my husband Todd is for me and was for me that moment in the IKEA warehouse.
May I stand in the same strength as he did that day as I see them in this fear regardless of the judgments that placed them in a prison. Loving that part of them that has never been loved.
May I always ‘Love the one who is in battle for a cause they believe in.’
You see, I was a cause, one that no one believed in, I stood when no one else did. I stood for that cause while I walked, educating my way to now…
These are the causes I stand beside, and walk with.
May I continue to offer loving support as you explore from a safe place the fear that haunts you…
May I continue offer the strength and grace I possess from the other side of many fears, enormous terror in love…
Know that even though I may not fear what you fear, I will stand with you in it as you love your way through it.
By doing this I have a greater opportunity to support your A. N. S. as it recognizes individual and group fears, and shifts them into becoming something other than, a thing to fear.
Doing, being without taking is the greatest gift I can offer…
May love, enter each and every one and hold them as they honor the journey, they are on…
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