Where Have I been?
Laying in the ashes of death,
only able to remember,
I must breathe!
This is where I have been.
There was no plan to get up,
no plan to do or be.
Just to breathe.
There were no thoughts
other than a deep sorrow
that wept deeply,
irrationally,
uncontrollably
and
destructively.
The destruction was surprising,
I always thought that destruction was a thing to fear,
a thing to avoid and
yet in the destruction
something
beautifully
calming arose.
I lost control!
I didn't panic.
I didn't get up and look for it.
I surrendered to this loss.
I was broken.
My dreams shattered!
My agenda blown up!
I had no strength to challenge the current experience, all I could do was breathe.
A subtle peace in the loss of control, began to creep in. Â I did not recognize it, only because I had very few experiences with it through out my life.
I was so addicted to control, that I had never fully surrendered to anything in my life.
I had convinced myself that I had before. Â
Yet in that awareness I saw that if I had to convince myself, then I never truly experienced it.
I LOST MY ADDICTION TO CONTROL!
I DON'T WANT IT BACK!!!!
Death brought me to my knees
and
cast me deep into surrendering.
Uncertainty became my companion as
I learned how to be okay in my brokenness.
Mj
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