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Feb 22 2013 - Self Forgiveness comes as: Myths Are Shattered


I have been broken open..  


Through this breaking I see more than I could before...

I am able to see that I had an altered perception of forgiveness, of dreams, of things I had no knowledge or experience of.


I never gave much attention to the dream of a child becoming more than they were, more in the physical material world than they wanted to be so that I could gain status through their triumphs.


All I dreamed of, hoped for, is that they would not be consumed by the same life that had consumed me.  

Consumed by the pain of a life that hurt all the time.


I truly believed that if I raised them away from those who harmed me they would never know that pain.


I truly believed that if I raised them away from the cycle of trauma and abuse they would have more of a chance at a better, peaceful life.


Ignorance kept me from being aware that this life I created for them, be it separate from those who harmed me was a fantasy.


Ignorance blocked my ability to see that I did not know what "better" looked like, what "peace" felt like.


Ignorance convinced me that if I created it as I went along, this life I dreamed of, for them would evolve.


As an Empath, I could feel the arrival of the Myth shattering when familiar feelings or pictures entered my vision.  Each time I panicked and ran, and all four of my children were dragged along with me.


Telling them over and over again of this life, this place that was better than what I knew, what they knew.


Promising, vowing to set us all free of the life I knew, not seeking status, just healing and relief in knowing they would not live what I lived.  


All an illusion...


The breaking of my Myths revealed the illusion with its grandiose stone pillars, waving flags of victory for all to see.

The stone walls that kept me and my children separate from all who had ever wronged me.


 For those who had hurt me to see that;

 "I HAD SUCCEEDED, where they had failed!"


Accepting that I was seeking praise, superiority, I was  ARROGANT!...


I had betrayed myself and in doing so I betrayed them...


The betrayal called to me over and over along the way, from my soul, from the souls of my children...


As an empath, I heard their souls screaming, yet in ignorance, I interpreted their screams as fear of what I was afraid of.


Ignorance kept me from seeing that they did not fear what I feared until I taught them to fear it...


We are born with two fears, falling and loud noises...


Ignorance was my guide with self-righteousness my fuel, creating many fears in them, as I convinced myself I would not let them fear what my parents feared...


Telling them that they were better, smarter, braver, stronger and more beautiful than I.  

That this is an evolution in its finest.


In my ignorance I set a trap of betrayal for them, for me, I set the standard based on my ability to overcome, to rise above my childhood, my failures.


I separated myself and my children from others, with the illusion of self-righteousness, not intending to appear better than, yet in ignorance, I was acting better than.


Separating them from the one Aunt who truly loved them, only to now watch as one of them can not receive this aunt as family...  

This was my doing..  

Yet the one who has not yet forgiven her, not yet allowed this woman in her life, does not see that it was me who created this separation.  

It was me who took her away from the love of this Aunt...

My children were not me...  

Yet I set this standard for them in my ignorance of this truth...

I had created, purchased and promoted a Mythological idea of my family.  Filled with expectations too high for me to achieve, for them to comprehend.


Taking blame on with each failure to meet these expectations, still not seeing that I was the one who held my family in this impossible Myth...


Their souls screamed of the need to be set free from this Myth, their young hearts and minds knew it for a trap even if they had no understanding of it.


Each one has run from this Myth, thus ran from me...


Their love for me is all that pulled them back. And I was waiting for them each time to remind them of their part in this Myth...


The pain of learning this about myself cannot be put in words, I had truly set them up to fail in ignorance and fear.


I separated them from a family who could love them in ways I was ignorant of regardless of the perceived pain they might have brought.


Could they, Would they ever forgive me?


I have heard it said; "Ignorance is Bliss!"  I can find no bliss in my ignorance...


ONLY PAIN...


Even in my brokenness, I held onto the Myth.

Requiring my Emphatic ability to be the catalyst to knowing the success of the Myth.  

I had heard my child's soul ask for permission to die, and I wanted to hear my childs souls tell me that they no longer wanted to die.


It was my Myth that drove each child away, my expectations, my Myth combined with many other things that drove this child's soul to want to leave this life.


I knew within that I had not intended this for them, I had only intended good, and in ignorance, I believed it was possible.


I was running from all who said I had become a mother way too young and that the ignorance and innocence of youth would be my downfall, I was determined to prove this wrong...  


Knowing I had not chose to be a mother, yet I was one at 16, I would not let my age make this true.  I knew many mothers who had led a similar path as I who began in their late 20's, and even their late 30's.  Ignorance is not only in youth...


Could my child's wish to die, be a wish to die in the Myth? 


Thus be set free of its expectations, set free of it's stone walls that kept this child prisoner?

I am learning about forgiveness and how to forgive myself for this ignorance, for this belief that drove me towards my Mythological dream...


I am learning that forgiveness is not about my children forgiving me,


 It is about me forgiving myself.  

Until I forgive myself they cannot forgive me.  


That even if I ever achieve full forgiveness of myself...


They may not.


Their wounds may be too deep to go there.


I am learning about the trap of this cycle, how knowing they may never be able to forgive me hinders me from forgiving myself, from feeling worthy of this forgiveness.


I am learning to forgive myself for judging my family, for judging others...


In this, I am seeing more clearly that they have walked similar paths, filled with innocence and ignorance creating Myths of their own and clinging to them as I have.


I am learning to accept my Myth for what it is, that my children are human, not Princesses and Princes.  That they have different paths to follow than I did and their paths are not about me.


I am learning to forgive myself for my obsessive need to mold my children into Mythological beings and that if I forgive myself, I set myself free of guilt, not responsibility.


I am learning to forgive myself for my self-righteousness and arrogance...


I am learning to forgive myself for not measuring up to the Myth I had created, to see myself as human too...


I am learning to forgive myself for the inability to as for help...


In this,


I am discovering the smile that I lost so many months ago...

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