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Feb 25 2013 - Still Standing


"One moment at a time"


Both a great tool, and a great challenge.


Honoring each and every moment for what it is, good, or bad means letting go while still standing at times when I do not feel, I hold the strength to do so....


Each moment I am given the opportunity to rise above the chaos that surrounds me as I live on this planet, as my ego fears loss of control in each moment...


This experience has come into my life to shatter me in such a way that if I survive no matter how much of a challenge it is, will change me forever...


I have been going through a porthole, knowing I was the only one in this porthole, feeling completely alone.


It is not about me being nurtured, it was about me being stripped of all that I clung to that held me back.


I have been challenged to find words that could capture what I have gone through and am still going through.


I know this is a porthole of initiation, a Mystics initiation...


What I realize was happening to me when I began to see the other side of it,


was my skin is being torn off,


I knew that this can only happen in solitude.



Feeling despairingly abandoned engulfed in great pain. As barnacles scraped off residue from the first half of my life.

Residue that I don't need nor want to take with me for the second half of my life.



Though the wounds are still raw, I see life as a result of these barnacles doing their job, differently.


I am treading cautiously as I sense the ending of this porthole, not knowing how to be without the first half of my life influencing every waking moment...


Challenging my ego's mantras as I saw all they were doing as they were breaking my own heart and creating a bitterness that fortified walls around me.


They were filled with fear of the speed at which my life would change if I changed the speed of my egos perceptions.


How easy it is to take the selfpity trip, instead of the wisdom path.


Yet the self pity is filled with one constant...

Betrayal, acts of betrayal against myself, against my will...


I craved guidance only to discover, that in the guidance I will only hear it at the level that matches the level of my self-esteem.


I have to let go of "low esteem", beliefs that kept me in this state of constant self-betrayal in order to heal the scrapping off of the old and be able to hear the guidance...


Fear of this journey kept me trapped in the effects of the first half of my life, who willingly goes through portholes?  

I know I was not willing, as Angels came to me asking me to clear out my closet...  

I ignored them, knowing that if I cleared out my closet I would be cutting cords to my memories and putting them to bed.  

I was trapped by the belief that my memories made me who I was.


They did make me who I was, I am a control freak who believes that I am not...


My memories kept me a control freak, convincing me that I am the only one I can trust to keep me safe, to keep my world safe and to survive it...


My memories kept me in survival, they did not set me free...


The Angels could not get me to clean out my closet, so Creator allowed this circumstance that dragged me down into this porthole, leaving me no option but to clean my closet...


Creator did not create this circumstance, I did by not cleaning my closet...


The messages from the angels were windows of opportunities to avoid this circumstance...


I didn't listen,

I didn't want to listen...  

especially if it meant I had to reach outside of myself for assistance...


I didn't know how to stand tall and be vulnerable at the same time...


I didn't know how to let go and let Creator take the lead....


I created a circumstance where I must learn how to let go, how to be vulnerable while standing tall...

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