top of page
Search

Feb 9 2013 - The Burden of Knowing




Knowing things that are hidden from many has been a great weight on me throughout my life.


It is not that I am challenged by not being able to share these things, as strange as that may sound, it is that it has made me feel trapped.


I have been trapped by the knowing, I truly know that the future is unpredictable and even a premonition can be changed because it has not happened yet.

The struggle has been; "everything inside of me said it had happened"....

There is no physical evidence that it had, yet I could not be convinced that it was not going to happen...

My dreams played it out each night as if to torment me...  

I did not want this premonition to come true for I was not certain I could survive if it did...


I would be gifted with days where it would not haunt me, and be shocked when the premonition would re-appear, sometimes while driving down the highway, it would flash before my eyes and send me down into the pits of deep despair and grief...


I would struggle for breath, and slowly, painstakingly rise out of it one more time.  Just when I thought I could bear another moment, or thought I had regained my footing.  It would happen again...


Each time seemed more devastating than the time before...

I was in a vicious circle, being haunted and struggling to function with no release, I knew not how to breath in this nightmare.


Asking why it kept coming back?  

What I was supposed to do with this information?  

Doubting the reality of it at the same time.


The emotions of the event were over powering, keeping me on a roller coaster that had no off switch...


It has been haunting me for 3 years, in the beginning I did not recognize it, it did not consume me, yet the nagging never left me.


In July of 2012 the volume was turned up and panic set in driving me to walk away from the classes I was  teaching and the brief counselling that I had been doing, taking time to save the day as it sucked the life out of me and brought me to my knees.  I kept getting up only to fall flat on my face 30 seconds later.


Thanksgiving Sunday 2012 the volume exploded, and by December I could not hear me over its raging roar...


It attacked like a Hurricane destroying everything in its path....  as the cold wet emotions sucked me down deeper into living hell...


Ravens  & Crows began showing up in my life, following my truck, landing beside me on fence rails even on the ground in front of me.  What were they trying to tell me I asked?


I open "Ted Andrews Animal-Speak Pocket Guide"

Crow = Unexpected help with problems and obstacles is at hand to bring relief. Your magic is calling and it will be answered.

Raven = Things are shapeshifting around you.  There is an awakening of magic.  Give it new expression and life will change for the better.


This morning In a moment where I felt I could breath, I took this breath for what it was and I reached for what was available to me...


I began looking in my library for anything that might teach me something, anything about ways to live with this knowing.  I knew I could not share the premonition with the person it referenced.  I knew I didn't know anyone I could go to and talk about this.


I also knew if I sought a teacher it would cost money that was not readily available for this at this time in my life.  I hoped my library would give me some measure of knowledge on how to function with this knowing...


The book I am looking for is no where on my book shelves, and I am drawn to;

URBAN SHAMAN by Serge Kahili King, PH. D.


I begin to read the three aspects of consciousness and how memory is stored in the body ( my heart is where this premonition is stored) and I am eating up the knowledge as fast as I can as the question, rather the statement;


                                  "THIS HAS HAPPENED IN ANOTHER LIFE"


echo's audibly in the room.  I am in the room alone, it is quiet there is no music, no background noise...


I stop and listen as I say "is this so" and a deep confirming yet compassionate


                                                                "YES"


follows the echo...


In that millisecond I know it is truth for me, I know why my heart is so broken, I know why it keeps haunting me...


I interpret this as unfinished and contract from a previous life that has an opportunity to be healed and released so it will not be repeated in this lifetime.


I have my work cut out for me....


Thank you creator, mother earth and the spirit animals for never giving up on me...


This is not yet done,

yet is has begun...


This contract has played out many times, throughout many lifetimes...


Each time I did not survive the loss, succumbing to the pain of it I slipped from flesh into the darkness of this loss.


As I drove this morning I released myself from this contract...

I released the one that is tied to me through this contract....

I wept in love for this one...


Knowing that it was now up to them to release themselves from this contract as well...

Knowing that I need to do the work needed to build strength and courage to not succumb to this contract this time...


The work has begun....

2 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Commentaires


bottom of page