For many there is this ease into this morning, and for others this is and possibly always been a challenging time of the year.
For me I think it started when I was little, when I had been injured in a fall and movement became very challenging. As I look back on my little me, I can make a connection between my interpretation of my life. A connection to the many questions of; 'why me, how come it was so different for me than it may have been for my siblings that I asked for so long.'
When I was trying to leave my abusive marriage, one Christmas morning, I was beaten and left bleeding, while my ex ran away with my kids. It wasn’t until the following fall that I had access to them for more than a moment. The price I paid to get them back still lurks in the minds of those who choose to not see me, and my truth. I would do it again if I had to.
Move forward to the last Christmas with Vickie and the horror of addiction stealing that moment as her shame made her hide in the bathroom and not see any of us.
There has been many a Christmas without this level of trauma, yet every Christmas has been laced with it all.
The most struggling after effect is the idea that I have to get over it.
I have a choice to be happy or not.
This mainstream approach does not support healing. It has never made Christmas easy for me.
I am not good at hiding anymore so many don’t want me to bring the mood down. Extended Family stopped wanting me at their parties after my daughter died.
I learned that they don’t have the capacity to witness me, this is not a weakness, I also don't have the capacity to witness them again not a weakness. A truth.
Then lock down became a reality, I was really sad….
You see, I am healing and looking towards making new Christmas memories that are not haunted by a lifetime of pain.
This lock down brough a deep sorrow. Flooded with the thoughts that support the pain and sadness.
When my husband asked what he could do, I responded with; “don’t try to change how I feel, and don’t stop how you feel or any of the wonderful things you do to make this time of the year fun and wonderful.”
He did just what I asked.
This opened the space for smiling, joy, and even some fun for me.
I wasn’t in resistance to what I was experiencing or feeling, and it was accepted by my husband. Another person.
Co-regulation is about acceptance without the need to change.
He merged with the truth it’s a great magical time of year for him and accepted that it isn’t so much for me.
I merged with the truth it’s not such a great time of year for me and accepted that it is a magical time for him.
Co-regulation.
Neither of us tried to change the other, neither of us changed our perception to be with each other.
This created space for me to move into his truth if even for just one moment.
And it created a loving witness for me.
Lock down created immense sadness for so many people, and when the government wished a happy season, they were trying to get us to not notice, to bypass the reality that even though we are all struggling, it’s just one Christmas, and it’s for the greater good.
For some this is not just one Christmas.
It may be the last on this planet for them.
It may be the last for one of their family members.
It may be the one straw many cannot bear.
For the many who are alone, and the many who are not alone.
This may be too much to bear.
For you, I light a candle, for those you cannot see for the first time this Christmas.
For me, I light a candle, for not having this time with my children and grandchildren.
For my loved ones that are not on this side, and for your loved ones not on this side, I lite a candle.
May you and I find a measure of connection in honoring out truths. creating space for something more.
Love to you all this season.
Mj
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