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I got my body back; you know the one with more girth.

I forgive myself for all the times I shamed my body, for being too much or not enough, for all the times I judged it for not looking or feeling a certain way. For all the times I rushed it or pushed it past capacity. For all the times I denied the ways in which it reminds me of my humanity.

Tutu Mora.

In the fall of 2017, my husband and I embarked on the very first real health regime, we began a detox, not because of weight, but because of health.

I have never seen weight, I have always seen the eyes, the energy and the soul of a person. I have had a myriad of conversations about health kicks and the many different ways you can loose weight. My interest was not because of body shame, but because of body health.

I would work at eating well, loose a few pounds and hit a brick wall and subsequently gain the weight back and more. The self-talk included it won’t work for me.

I have a physical disability so exercise would only get me so far before my body would collapse for up to 3 months in which I would lose muscle mass and suffer from debilitating pain. Only to have to start again. It is the disability that ultimately ran the show, and still does today.

So, when I came across a detox that supported the disability, I wanted to try it, really commit to it and be fully aware of my emotional state through the journey. It was pretty ridged, and very challenging at times. There were also easy moments and we had great success.

Together we lost a combined 120 lbs. very quickly.

I noticed as I looked in the mirror at my new me, there remained an underlying sadness for both of us, that losing the weight did not even touch.

2018 No matter what we tried the sadness remained. Two years after the weight loss, we both have gained a portion of it back. Not enough to disappoint us, but enough to notice. Still the sadness remained, it did not change with the weight, or without the weight.

This past year I have been emersed in the study of PTSD and CPTSD, I have been training in Somatic Experiencing. This has given me access to the sadness for myself. When children are not nurtured, safe, and supported the emotional wound creates a deep hunger within their soul. A hunger for what they never had, that drives them down so many different paths. This is not logical and does not have anything to do with their intelligence. This is primal.

O Donohue stated “our bodies now they belong, its our minds that make our lives so homeless”

When I read this, I pondered what would make our minds make our lives so homeless? I decided it was because a basic primal need had been missing for me. I am not talking about blame, I am acknowledging a basic primal need had been missing for me, creating deep within a sadness that would not ease.

So when it came to the sadness underlying our lives, it had nothing and everything to do with the weight we lost and the weight we regained.

As the understanding of this began seeping into my pours, COVID hit. The fear and chaos that arose caused many to come to a halt, and activities that supported our weight loss ended. My focus became about integrating my healing and being of service in the only way I knew how.

When a professional asked me to promote their weight loss program at this time, I could not. I could see, hear and feel the trauma around the world and told this professional. “if the worst thing that happens this year is people gain weight, they are doing well, really well. I shared how I don’t feel now would be a good time to promote weight loss for me.” I wasn’t thinking of me. Now I am aware that there could have been some of my response that represented me. There is nothing wrong with admitting this. I am not judging people for this, just sharing my experience.

Then the world went to war, with racism and who has a voice and who is abusing their power, more trauma, more chaos. I took it upon myself to educate myself about racism and how to become a better support for people of colour. Again, to be of support in these chaotic times.

As my inside activities increased, so did my weight and although I am not back at my beginning weight, I am not far from it.

I have shifted my attention from food, and the why I am reaching for it along with the judgement that intensified the sadness.

I have begun to investigate the sadness. This sadness developed during a time where there was no language. A time where nurturing and connection are some of the most basic and important needs in a developing baby.

We all have had preverbal experiences, regardless of the situation today we all were younger than three. The one constant for us all was the need for food. The second constant was the need for safety, nurturing, regulation, love and peace. Without food we will not survive, and science is now proving that without nurturing, love, connection we will not survive well. Some babies have died without it.

For so many, the only time they were held was to be fed, and even then, pillows were used to prop the baby bottle. It's these experience that created a deep sadness in me and possibly in many of those who struggle like me with this thing called weight.

As I apply my Somatic Experiencing training to my life, as I regulate with a supportive trusted professional who is mostly healed, I am healing the experience of my preverbal life. I am putting the pieces of me back together again. I am releasing this sadness. I am releasing the need to fill the void with a substance. I must say that this is not easy work, and that I am the only one who can do it.

This is a moment-by-moment process.

You see every time I see a comfort item, I am reminded of the years of neglect, of not being safe. This is not a conscious reminder. This is a trauma that I lived, and it is unconsciously running my life.

This reality does not work well with weight loss programs, because this reality is not addressed. This reality is explained away by “JUST OVERRIDE THE DESIRE FOR FOOD”

The weight loss industry is a billion-dollar industry, the profits off of the individuals who really don’t have a food problem, they have a connection problem. There is no language in one with this problem to articulate this because it was created prior to having language.

If you find yourself on the weight loss merry go round, do yourself a favour, invest that money in your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual healing, your weight will take care of itself when you have done the work.

I continue to study, CPTSD so I may fully understand that this creates a deeper challenge for weight management, as well as not a final destination. We with CPTSD can heal ourselves, we can regulate ourselves.

This is not about blaming your caregivers; it’s about loving yourself enough to live the examined life that opens you to personal freedom and capacity for this crazy world we live in.

This is not an easy journey and yes, I have to consciously chose healthier eating.

Yes, I have to choose to move even when my body does not want to.

The moment I stopped judging myself, and focused on me, I had moments where these tasks were easier.

I encourage you to seek a professional in the mental health field who can hold space with you as you begin to discover the basic human need for connection, and through this connection you heal you.

It is vital to your happiness and peace.

In grace and love


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