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Jan 29 2013 - I am living, Yet I am not alive. I am striving to live again.

Is my spirit in any way prepared to one day hear or get a phone call revealing the final act, the end of her life?

Spiritually I can say yes, physically, emotionally, mentally and psychologically I am not...

I spent so many moments fearful of saying anything to my daughter, because I knew if I did she would shut me out.  She has so many times before.  So one way I continuously dishonored myself was by keeping silent.

Going to Al-anon has given me a sense of connection, I listen to all who share and wonder many things.  I want so much to have the ability these people have to smile, to laugh and to be in the present, and okay for that moment.  I wonder how they can be that way, as I am consumed by the disease of alcoholism as much as it is consuming me and my daughter.

I struggle with the first step, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

Never truly understanding the disease, I tried to take things into my own hands, truly convinced that if she went to the source of her need to escape she would choose a different way of coping.  I spent hours, days, weeks, months along with massive amounts of money trying to create for her an environment of healing.

I listened to suggestions from loving people about spiritual tools available to assist and tried everything that had any hope.  It was when it was suggested that I do spiritual work that would take me into what some called the Akashic Records and change the life plan of my daughter that I knew that what I was looking for was not available in the direction I was taking.

I knew that spirit was the answer, but when one acts out the perception that they can actually change another persons life journey, life's contract, they are under an illusion.  It was at this point where I recognized I was out of my element.  That everything I was doing was leading me deeper down the rabbit hole.

Falling prey to the darkness of the addiction with every breath, all I wanted was my daughter back, to see life in her eyes.  I had done all I could do and lying deep in the darkness of this misery I chose to go to an al-anon meeting.

I was nervous, insecure and so very, very, lost.  The first pamphlet I picked up had a story in it from a mother of a alcoholic daughter, I began reading it hungrily seeking some light, and broke when I got to the part about the daughter dying.  I could not speak, I wept throughout the entire meeting.

The second meeting was no better for me, one of the people shared a story of their Alcoholic passing away, again I wept as I questioned why?  What I feared most was being confirmed possible in two separate meetings.

I never wanted to go back.

I do not agree that I am powerless...

I refused to agree with the first step.  All the while in the back of my mind the conversation about changing someones Akashic records plays out, taunting me, contradicting my refusal to agree with the first step.  If I was to be honest with myself, the idea of changing anothers, life contract, life records is an attempt to control, playing GOD..

The only life I can even consider playing God in is mine, the only life I can control is mine...

This shifts my thinking from refusal to agreement, I am powerless over my daughters addiction...

What do I do now that I agree with this?  How do I go on?

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