“Life is a process of becoming.
A combination of states we have to go through.
Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it.
This is a kind of death.” ~Anais Nin
I was in deep anticipatory grief, grief that is not only fed by the physical evidence of pending loss, but feed by my many multi-sensory abilities.
I heard the soul of another, deep within my soul. Crying in pain and anguish all the while struggling with living in this physical plain. This soul told me that it wanted out and spent over a year trying to leave the physical realm.
My multi-sensory abilities were effected by my humanness, by my ego, as it feed the anticipatory grief, through its connection to this soul, for it is the soul of my child.
As a mother, there are no words that could describe what you experience, as you watch your child in such pain, and when there is nothing you can do to ease that pain and nothing you can do to control the outcome of the childs actions.
You enter a form of HELL that can not be expressed in words.
It is expressed in powerful energy and there are few who can enter that energy to be a support to you. Making life very isolating.
It was in this space that the natural logical step of compiling all I know, all I have been studying for years, into steps which I call Shadow Work. It was one year ago when these tools were brought forward to assist myself through this difficult time.
Was it a download? Was it just my brain working at a puzzle, pulling the pieces together?
All I can say is how grateful I am for these 6 steps and that my life has truly shifted.
I have shifted out of "What If", "If Only" and "When I".
Not that they do not visit me, they just no longer have any energetic current to me at this time. Who knows what will be brought forward to charge those statements again? What maters in now, not then, if or when!
My life has gone from moments of running around as a wounded healer trying to heal me and the world. Moments of despair and sorrow, grief, sadness and boredom. Into a wave like balance, I am flowing with the current. No longer riding the current struggling to hang on for my very life.
How it feels; "a sense of entering life, of partaking in all that is shifting and changing around me."
Ciaos is the one constant in life and I seem to be in the mist of it at all times.
I am okay in it for the first time in my life.
Through my multi-sensory abilities I feel what those around me feel, yet as I do my work, I no longer hold what others feel in my cells.
It flows through as energy does, there is less resistance to energy and emotions from outside of me because there is less resistance to energy and emotions within me.
I no longer feel a difference between what is within and what is without emotionally or energetically.
I am in the best place I have ever been.
I have been shifting out of my Hermit, Dark Night Of The Soul existence, into a participant of life for the past 6 months and just noticed.
Fear of so many things held me in my withdrawn state as I worked through my trauma.
For years I Hermit-ted as I studied, and compiled as much information as I could. Having a brain injury effected my ability to communicate and learn, so I studied around the clock. I still see the effects of the injury in my inability to pronounce things and clarify theories, as well as absorb things that I am not interested in.
Yet my ego no longer has the ability to make me feel shame or insecurity regarding this. I am okay looking dumb or arrogant to others, because I am not dumb or arrogant and as long as I am operating in love, how others perceive me is their work not mine.
I branched out after years of studying and applying what I learnt and began to let myself be known. I tried my hand at teaching. I loved the learning that I experienced from each person that came through my gathering room, yet I still felt what I was doing had no deep substance to it.
I also knew there was more work I had to do on me before I could come fully into present moment, teaching was making me work on me and I loved that aspect as well. I was shocked when my feet were taken out from underneath me and crashed hard.
I smile now as I am writing this with compassion for myself and my journey, I am so grateful for the "ego-ic" experience, it has taught me more about my Sub-Conscious Mind than any other thing. It has taught me when I developed the deep relationship with my ego and how to be okay with my ego.
It has also taught me how to retrain my ego, to tap into new data. To no longer defend historical data that dictated my very experience each moment of my life, but to alert me to when it is dictating my experience so I can revisit a belief that is no longer working for me.
It has also taught me that this only works if I am doing my work...
It brought me to Shadow Work.
I had convinced myself logically, that this work was hard and painful, that it took so much out of me and I did not have the ability to go to the depths that were required to heal. I had convinced myself that logic was needed to heal.
“Reclaiming the parts of ourselves that we have relegated to the shadow is the most reliable path for me to actualizing all of my human potential.
Once befriended, our shadow becomes a divine map that -- when properly read and followed –reconnects us to the life we were meant to live and the people that we were meant to be.” ~Debbie Ford
What I learnt is that:
Shadow work is not logical.
Shadow work combines Body, Mind and Spirit.
Shadow work merges that which we have separated within via the emotions.
Shadow work is gentle and honoring, patient and kind.
Shadow work flows with the current, not on it or against it.
I am so grateful for these steps.
May all find their way to their shadow, and find the gifts that lurk in the darkness.
In Grace and Light
Mj
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