When I am shifting out of old conditioning, as with most people it is challenging to break a conditional pattern.
The one I am working on today is Speaking up about my needs. About the things I no longer want in my patterns.
In my history I have used language to talk my way out of a conversation, ended a conversation, walked away claiming “I have to meet my own needs” or “I don’t have support” if I wanted something I had to get it, or do it.
All language that has worked for me by keeping me from/in dysfunctional independence. The dysfunctional intimacy I craved. I convinced myself we were doing better in most areas, so I over looked the two areas that are a sore spot for me.
The wanting of someone who really invests in me, who listens and then holds my hand as I guide myself through something challenging.
The acknowledgment of how hard I have to work to stand at times and that I need to be held up. Clarifying this to another has never been easy for me, and as I begin, I am plagued by ghosts. In life one gets so disconnected from the real reason, on refused to change or open up that it is unconsciously acted out without conscious thought.
When we begin to pay attention to ourselves and begin to ask why. This makes you angry or ask why things have to be done in a certain way.
The general responses are;
“I have always done it this way!”
“It works for me!”
“If I did it differently, it would mess up too many other things that don’t need changing!”
Its these thoughts that are expressed that deter one from self-exploration.
Recently observing a family work at getting through the day with similar ease as the day before, never aspiring for anything more I was in awe. To observe a world where this is the norm and I couldn’t fathom it. Yet here I was observing it.
So much of our planet – people live that way.
In complete contentment.
I have never lived that way.
I can remember thinking “if I could just get through today as good as I got through yesterday, all will be good!”
I have always been driven to improve even just a minor amount. By learning something new, trying something different than I have always done.
I perceive that seeing this, becoming aware of it are two different things. I can conceive of the idea that I saw it lots in my life and always tried to change this for others by trying to teach something new to others. this can cause a lot of people to feel not quite good enough for me. UGG!
This is a message I did not want to send but send it I did!
I always assumed people were like me, and they wanted more than “just getting through another day with no tragedy. I was wrong, and this hurt a lot of people with my need to assist in there learning something new.
I have really begun to observe my behaviour, to ask myself why its important and why I still do things that are of no true help to me in life.
I never thought others were not okay, only that they wanted a new way of being like I did. This was of no help to me or any of my relationships. It sent the message that I didn’t need support from them, that I had to go elsewhere for that.
I assumed this to be truth because they had no interest in the things I am interested in. it couldn’t be because I had been stuffing them down their throats for so long.
The facts are:
I taught everyone, rather than just being with them
this makes others feel like they are not good enough for me.
this creates a separation in the relationship and blocks intimacy.
creates the belief that I want to change others.
sends the message that they are not good enough for me as they are.
keeps the sub-conscious belief “I don’t deserve my needs being met by others” alive.
a sub-conscious belief that I am alone, that I am the only one who cares about my needs, that if others cared enough to find them out this belief would no longer be true.
What kept this belief actively in control was “not communicating honestly and clearly”
Child hood experiences of trauma and abuse, along with abuse in my first marriage and continued narcissistic abuse via my parents. These events have never been integrated into a strength, therefore they continue to undermine my emotional state.
We who have experienced this are called brave, or courageous for getting out, for not being the way we were taught, thus sending the message that we have done enough, now we have to let it go. Yet the un-integrated aspects of me were haunting me. I didn’t know what aspect those were, I had to follow the call.
I challenged the wounds and the fears and tried to reach out, to ask only because the emotions were so overwhelming the requests always were charged with irrational aggression. Causing others to feel I was angry at them. Most people immediately assume any heightened emotional state has to do with them. They pull back or put up walls to protect themselves from my emotions.
Where does my irrational emotional aggression come from? It’s the same intensity that it took to get away from the abuse, the trauma. It’s the same intensity it took to face my abusers and demand no more.
This intensity shows up the moment I begin to think about speaking my needs, it haunts me.
The ghosts are:
shadows of the abused child, the deprived child.
Shadows of the raging adults who are so angered by my need for something different.
Shadows of the feelings of abandonment that gained intensity over a lifetime of not mattering
Shadows of the anger this created
Shadows of self-rejection and self-betrayal that continue to happen because I keep telling myself that I don’t matter.
Shadows pointing out the evidence as a call.
I am flooded by these Ghosts the moment I decide to speak up. It was a struggle to write out my feelings as they begin to close in on me.
They got bigger.
I got smaller and weaker.
This is a way of calling my attention to the need to go within.
Mj
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