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“Need to Be Good Enough!” Rusty Beliefs March 1 2019

I wake as I am walking into my gathering room to find to water pouring out of my fireplace. My carpet is turning to a Deep Orange Rust color. I am unable to find the source of the water, or to stop it from damaging my carpet. I immediately begin cutting away the carpet.

To my surprise there is a Sink under the carpet.

I am struck by Confusion, seconds later two people walk into my gathering room. These two people never said a word. These two people represent those in my life I worked hard to be accepted by and they never accepted me.

In the next moment the three of us are heading upstairs and looking out the window to my back yard.

I turn and the two people have disappeared, and a third person was with me, this person represents those in my life who accept me, grief and all. This person had a huge smile, they were looking out my window.

I turn to look out the window again and find us at the edge of a huge very calm body of water.

The rock wall separating my home from this water, went all the way around all sides of my home. I was in awe at the beauty of this view and grateful for the person I was with in the moment.

I awoke from this dream with an awareness, an understanding of me. This understanding was deeper, and greater than I had the night before. I saw clearer the many reasons why I have struggled with myself and others.

Looking at Symbology, I resonate with what has been revealed.

Rusty flooding – warning of the danger of being deluged by emotions.

Uncontrollable flow of water – reveals I may have suppressed unconscious emotions that have found an outlet.

Rust – signifies old outdated attitudes – “seeing clearly and or reaching the end of old outdated beliefs”.

Water – is an element that no living creature can live without.

Carpet – pertains to underlying characteristics of an individual’s path.

Sink – signifies a life element, capable of providing a cleansing opportunity.

- Cleansing – a Spiritual Rebirth.

Silent Witness - signifies an undeveloped function – a possible imbalance. – no need to hear their take on the experience, know that you have all the answers you need within. You are just not alone.

Water – signifies a need to be close to one’s spiritual beliefs, to take comfort in how close you are and take this in. Giving me a current opportunity to appreciate my growth.

Rock Wall - represents loyalty and steadfastness.

Calm body of water – reflects one’s own calm emotional approach to life.

I was seeing clearly what continues to get in the way and produce rusty water “emotions” that do not have a “off switch.”

Emotions are waves that I must learn to be with, in order to have any capacity to function in this life. I am a highly sensitive person, emotions are the strongest form of communication for me.

Unfortunately, emotions that are feared, are like “bullet proof glass” and they trap us in ways we cannot fully understand. Once we learn about our emotions that they are great assets and have healing power, we will no longer feel trapped by them. This is very different from the understanding that I was taught.

I was taught that emotions are for weak minded individuals.

Grief has educated me in the importance of emotions. It has showed me that there is no end to grief in life, there is only an end to the fear. Thus, giving me the ability to walk with my Grief as a companion to it, rather than one who fears it.

The process of grief is lifelong.

When we are ready to see deeper into who we are as a result of this we will.

I have taken what seems a long time to surface after the passing of my daughter. Connection seems to have been on an upward motion, with taking one step at a time. With no real direction or understanding of the steps until I have taken the next step. Hindsight is ‘twenty, twenty.’

I could not connect to life for a very long time. I could not connect to myself, or others. with the ability to look backwards I can see that during this time of my life, I have hurt many people. It was not intentional and ended up causing many people to walk away from me.

When people walk away from us without telling us why or giving us an opportunity to change, we enter Grief. At this time of my life, I had reasons to grieve, this I did not need anymore.

My need to be wanted crept in as a result of all that I had lost, lack of awareness hid the reality, it was not them that I needed to be wanted by.

It was me! >> I didn’t want me!

I lived in a “DEATH GLOBE” I was trapped inside it!

I saw life going on around me, I was angry at life for continuing without me.

I could not touch life,

I could not taste life,

I could not hear or smell life.

I could see aspects of it only, aspects that reminded me of my loss and those who were not there for me, those who wanted me to be what they needed and not what I needed. I lashed out in so many ways. Ways that hurt others as well as hurt me.

I did not have what it took to be part of life, I was barely alive…

Surfacing is a slow process and in an extremely fast pace world, there is little support for the slowness of this journey.

I discovered there were things I had to re-learn, the ability to comprehend these things I had to re-learn died with my daughter.

When tragedy strikes, we are, actually separate from aspects of our self, these aspects are integral to our very life, our ability to interact with others and the world. Without them we struggle.

I truly lost my ability to engage with people when I lost my daughter.

I have had to re-wire my brain via re-training myself.

Surfacing from such a loss brought many “UN-Integrated” patterns and wounds to the surface.

Leaving me juggling myself between two extremely powerful needs.

- The need to be good enough for others!

- The need to be good enough for me!

The need to be good enough is a fear driven need that creates anxiety along with depression and many other mental, emotional and physical difficulties.

It is a result of perceived failure in one’s own eyes.

In my eyes I had failed on so many ways.

I failed at believing “Bad things Don’t happen to good people!”

I would find myself spinning backwards into the Rust of another’s words… Staining the very foundation of my life… In my father’s eyes, I was a “Sinner” who continues to “Sin” which was the reason for my daughter’s death. He told me at her memorial that just days before she passed, she called him and accepted Christ as her savior, so she is in Heaven now!

I would revisit this event over and over always questioning; Why would he say that to me at her funeral? To make me feel better? It did not!!!

It told me 2 things; I have her phone records, she did not call him! – He lied! The other was that I needed to do the same (Accept Christ- telling one they need to do this is not appropriate at this kind of event).

Questioning why: He never said, “I am so sorry for your loss!”

With the work that I have done, and continue to do, I understood his need, his fear and that he does not have the capacity to reach through his fear to me, the me that so desperately needed a dad at such a critical moment. I knew this and forgave him. Yet I was flooded with the memory of that moment.

Why would I revisit such a horrible memory this far into the integration of my grief?

The revisiting reminded me of a belief that was running me, a belief that was interfering with my relationships and my life…

My interpretation of this interaction was; “I am not good enough!”

That is not the only memory that kept popping into my mind, the next one was over 30 years ago, yet it began haunting me the moment I heard my daughter died.

According to my step mother, “I had the Devil in me and was leading my kids to Hell!” she didn’t even show up to honor my daughter. I never heard why?

Again this memory really had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with their beliefs and their needs. This memory also reminded me of a belief I had, I chose and I lived by.

I felt again; “I am not good enough!”

These messages put me in an unconscious path of destruction of my own self worth and self-value. This is not about blame, it is no one’s fault, it is about understanding, it’s about my journey.

These messages drove the need “to be good enough” that was created long before the death of my daughter. This was a need, I believed I had “HEALED!”

Most of us know people who are constantly trying to prove they are good enough! These people generally come across as arrogant, being caught in:

“Look what I have and what I can do!”

They truly have no ability to see that they are coming across as arrogant and when this is mentioned they are wounded.

These people cannot see what is driving both of these needs.

The subconscious question; “is this enough for you to love me, for you to accept me, for you to want me?”

The subconscious age of this question is under “7”.

For those who experience people like this, it is a gift for yourself to see that they are not trying to be arrogant. It is a gift for others to be seen for who they truly are. Those who are presenting “arrogance” are just crying out to be enough.

For me I clumsily fell into the pattern of “not enough” the pattern of “is this enough”, then I would chastise myself for looking outside of myself for “good enough”.

This pattern surfaced after the loss of my daughter and I have just integrated it, thus giving me hindsight, and twenty, twenty vision.

It is so easy to live from an unconscious state, and break your intentions, then get lost in the WTF is going on!

I vowed I would hurt no one, yet I continued to hurt myself by reaching out from the place of “am I good enough”.

Begging for contact from those I believe love me, only to be rejected over and over again. Was it their desire to reject me? NO! Could I see that? NO!

This pattern kept me in a place of “no matter what I did, it was not good enough!” I wrote loving emails, that sent the wrong message, I was not good enough even to express apologies.

This pattern sent the energy of “I am better than you!” rather than the energy of “am I good enough” The energy of “I am better” hurts people, makes them feel less than.

The pain of this pattern is so deep that one can get lost in it. It’s a deep dark trap, each rejection created a deeper crevasse that consumed me for weeks.

At the very bottom of this pit, I sat for two weeks as I reviewed myself, asking “What am I doing?”

If I keep waiting to be good enough for others I will remain in this pit of darkness for the balance of my life.

The climb out is one I have done before, the only difference this time is influenced by both the nightmare and gift of ‘Death!’

The view is full of a clear understanding of the death of who I was prior to the death of my daughter. Filled with a clear understanding that reasoning and justification died with my daughter.

From this place of death, came the birth of understanding, the relearning of a ‘sacred truth.’

When we learn a new Sacred truth from the place of death and destruction, we are no longer invested in proving to others we are good enough or trying to explain to them our behavior and actions while in Grief. I only hope everyone has people who love them enough to see outside of these behaviors when they are in grief.

It is no longer about others, and how they react to you, who may be grieving. Its about loving yourself through this death into the sacredness of “I am enough”. This is a ‘Sacred truth’ one I hope, all can know. We are enough.

I am liberated from acquiring things that prove I am enough, and I am able, to process why I have them. I am able, to see that if I purchased them to gain status, to prove I am enough. It’s time to forgive myself for this and go through each item choosing to keep, give them away or sell them. I am giving myself the time I need to integrate this sacred truth by acting on this daily. Not putting it off. This is proving to myself, I am enough.

I have been put into a position once again of listening deeper to every reason why I think, act and respond the way I do.

Loving myself enough to recognize each time I make a choice that could only be motivated by “the need to be good enough!” and actively, lovingly comforting myself into “I am good enough!”

Representing the beautiful water source that is all around me and the gift of new friends.

Have a great day


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