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Nov 15 2015 - Why have I been called to such a hard life?

This question has stalked me my entire adult life. 

Knowing I will never get an answer to this.

I continued to ask the question over and over again. 

I wonder at times where the need to know why comes from, does it come from fear?


Fear creates a need to control, to plan ahead, to prepare for any outcome. Yet no matter how much we prepare and control we are never prepared. We try to convince ourselves we are, yet it is impossible to analyze all possible outcomes. 

My father fears hell and damnation for his children, so has spent over 40 years trying to control us through guilt, dominance, scriptures, persecution, and rejection.  

Was he prepared for a Buddhist child?  

No, and he abandoned this child, why?

Does he hope that by abandoning this child they will come to his beliefs?  It's "truth" that it is carnal nature to crave the love and acceptance of a parent, but it is also true that it is carnal nature to find what works for oneself. 

Does fear block my father from seeing this truth?

I can change my question to a directive: how can I use my hard life to better myself, to be of service to the world around me?

The victim in me doesn't want to go there because then there is no justice for wrongs done to me. 

For this past year, I have not wanted to see this. I know it is because the pain needed to be honored. 

I also know that I didn't want to embrace the anger, of my life, of losing my daughter, of losing myself. 

Years ago I learned that fighting for me didn't contain anger because even though anger promotes movement it also can become a trap. 

The bible talks about just anger and for years I clung to that, trapping myself in misery. 

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