NOV 28 2014 - Grief

from: Jan 26 2013 - ANITCIPATORY GRIEF

How does one release the horror of watching a child throw their life away?

How does one rise out of the need to save this child?

How does one find themselves in this horror?

I am consumed by such pain this causes it feels as though I have lost my way...

Trapped by the mother child connection, I am a prisoner to this ciaos, prisoner to this sorrow. Turn my pain, my sorrow and my fear into love, light and courage is what I read as suggestion for such a place?

As much as I have risen above so much, I am drowning in this grief... this pain, this sorrow...

This is my child, who has children who are all suffering along side of me, of this Childs siblings in the nightmare of addiction...

Letting this child fall is horrifying for me...

I am angry at this situation; I am lost in it...

I fell void of hope, void of tools, and void of faith as this child leads such a life, while feeding the addiction in whatever way they can...

For the addiction has become this Childs false God, worshiping it whenever possible...

I am angry for allowing hope to deny the truth of the person’s addiction, as I heard clearly, from this Childs mouth, "Addicts fail, fall back into the addiction regardless of how far they have come, how much work they have done, or how many are holding their world around them together.

The message the addiction sends is, "no matter what you do, you cannot help!" "No matter how much you love, you cannot save!" "You don't count, you don't matter, and you are only there to be manipulated by the addiction!"

Yet hope drives one to challenge these messages, to prove them wrong, the need of a mother to save the child no matter the age is also an addiction in a way.

It is the co-dependant addiction.

The hero complex is no different from the mother complex...

Having both is the cross I must bear...

I pray I rise above this addiction, this complex...

For this is all I can do...

I also ask why Creator gave me four children.

Creator knew I did not wish for one Child, that I feared all that came from being a mother. Creator also knew I would give my life for each and every one of these children from the moment I knew they were growing within me...

Much pain has come from being a mother, many wounds haunt me this day as I strive to connect to the love I have for these children, what have I done to bring myself so much pain, to bring these four children such a mother.

What is the purpose of all of this?

What is the gain in such pain I cry as tears flow uncontrollably?

What is the purpose of the loss of a child?  

What could the outcome be for the family that looses one?

What is the lesson in this?

What is the lesson in being a parent of an addict? 

What is the lesson?????

It is Nov 28 2014 and I have changed since a lot since then.  

I am in the mist of Grief right now,

I am no longer asking what the lesson is,

I am living the lesson...

I have done the work I needed to do, so that I may breathe.

My dolly moved to the eastern side of Canada just days before I wrote the above and I thought I would die not being able to see her again.

I did my work and was gifted with a trip out to visit her one last time, to hold her in my arms, even though she struggled, we laughed together, prayed together, smudged together along with my sister, her aunt.  

I am so grateful for that last visit, for the seven months she was in The Margaritte Center where she found herself again before she left this realm.  

For getting the opportunity to know her as she was, not who I wanted her to be.  

For knowing she did not throw her life away.

I will forever love you "Vickie"

Mom