In family systems that are traumatized and dysfunctional often repeating generational cycles of abuse and neglect happens. there is often one child in a sibling group who carries the psychological burden of abuse for the family as a whole. Everyone else remains largely unconscious of its existence or impact.
Thomas Hubl
Families have so much more to them than the dysfunction, yet when the dysfunction is really loud to one of them, the more is never seen or experienced.
For me, I only knew trauma, and discovering last week that certain types of joking put me in an energetic place of needing to prove I was not lying caught me off guard.
I had noticed the outside lights had been left on, when I came into the house, I asked my husband where the remote was for the lights. As I was saying, 'they were left on'. I picked up the remote and turned them off. I was not dysregulated at all, I was calm and actively working on tasks.
My husband proceeds to say, "Look hun they were. not left on!" I turn and see him press the button and they come on. With a big smile on his face, he was playing with me. I noticed dysregulation at that moment. I could not understand what was happening. So he then said he was joking and the lights had been left on. This did not shift my dysregulation. I was not upset, I was very curious.
I could not find playing with the story of a moment, that did not include the need to prove I was not a liar, in my history.
I am journeying into myself, my body, my physiology, and there is no place where this was "funny" for me.
I went to him and said, "I just realized when people are playing with me, I think I have to prove to them I am not a liar!'
This was not upsetting, it was an awareness of a trauma pattern in my system that had been linked to play.
I do not know how to play that way.
I have always been very serious and I saw at that moment one of the reasons why.
I have carried the pain of my family, I have carried the trauma and the intergenerational trauma, did I chose this?
Not that I am aware of!
I am aware that there are teachings out there that say I did, before I was born.
I am not saying they are wrong, I am saying that in addition to carrying the trauma of my ancestors and my family, I carried my own.
When we don't know what trauma we are in, if it is ours or our parents, siblings or ancestors healing can seem a bit daunting.
I am grateful for the healing journey I am on, as I am able to learn what is mine and what is not, how to heal myself, and the generational trauma.
I am grateful for my husband, for it was the love in his eyes that taught me how to love myself, and now it's the playfulness of his nature that is teaching me how to play.
No matter what trauma you carry, you can heal it with a compassionate caring witness. One who meets you where you are, who is not afraid of that place, and loves through connection, and willing holds space for you as you navigate your way home to you.
I know from personal experience, we do not have to continue to carry the burden, it can be released and healed.
I am here if you are willing, I invite you to sit with me and experience access to compassion that you may need. If I am not for you, we will know right away, I will share others who offer compassionate witness so your healing journey will continue.
Don't let your trauma be a waist, don't let the burden be a waist, you have given it enough of your energy, take your life back.
In love and light
Mj
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