Feb 14 2013 - Humility is never easy for a control freak!!!

Humility calls for me to go within and examine my core.

Do I share with another my story for the sake of sharing or because I am a teacher that needs people to teach?

If I am a teacher who needs people to teach, why do I not teach myself?

Why do I put off practicing my teaching within myself?

Do I share with another my story for the sake of being needed for my knowledge or wisdom?

Why am I not content with needing my knowledge myself?

Why do I need to go outside of myself for others to give me approval of my knowledge?

I have worked hard at being humble and authentic, at loving without attachment and yet I now see that if I need approval from outside of myself, I am not humble or authentic at all.

I have discovered how many deep-seated insecurities I have, I am being humbled by them each moment of my day.

I fear asking for help when I truly need it because I fear being vulnerable.

Not because the other will take advantage of my vulnerability, but because I have no faith in my ability to not give my power away.

Being taught that, "saying no to another's advice, will offend them" the belief that I must not offend, feeds the lack of faith in my ability to not give my power away.

Learning that I must honor myself in all that I do, and not dishonor another while honoring myself is the task at hand.

Learning that others offer advice from personal experience or knowledge all intertwined in ones history.  

That history can never fully be understood.

What can be understood is, no matter where the advice is coming from, it is...

MY CHOICE TO GIVE AWAY MY POWER.  

I have learned that trust is not about being vulnerable to another's ability to harm, it is about not giving my power away.

When I take offense because someone gave me advice, I am giving my power away.

I am learning to say:

 "THANK YOU FOR SHARING"  

(not with that disrespecting superiority, but with compassion and humility)

In doing this I am honoring them for their contribution to the moment. For their willingness to participate in a connection with me.

At the same time if  I do not make any internal judgment on their reason for sharing I do not give my power away and do not dishonor myself.

Admitting I need anything has brought up so many insecurities from being raised in a house where if I asked for my needs to be met, I was not only struck hard by any object my parent had within reach but tormented with taunting jests about being selfish and inconsiderate of the others in the home.

I do not share this to cast blame or judge the parent who behaved in this manner, for healing comes only from seeing this parent clearly as one who most likely experienced the same reaction when asking for their needs to be met in their early life.  That possibly this parent was so separated from themselves they could not possibly comprehend the pain they were inflicting on another.

My need to be loved as I am, comes from the inability to love myself as I am.  Learned from generations with the same inability.  Blaming them, pointing the finger at them does not assist in healing, it only keeps me in the same vicious cycle.

My need for my husband to share with me his true self can only be met by my sharing my true self with not only him, but with myself.

My need for a deeper connection to my sisters can only be met by my sharing my deepest connection to myself with myself and them.

I am being humbled moment by moment....

I am up to the task...