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Nov 21 2015- 2:11 pm - Entering the second year with a bang!

I have read that the second year can be worse for ones who have lost a child.  

Hearing it, over and over again, wondering what could ever be worse than the first.

The first news.

The first Christmas.

The first New Years.

The first Mother's Day.

The first Wedding.

The first Aniversary.

The first Birthday.

The 1 year mark of their passing.

The information I have come across tells of the shock fading, the numbness lifting and the feelings surfacing.

I wondered.

No fear,

I just wondered.

I fell deeply into the abyss of sorrow as the shock lifted, numbness was out of my reach and I screamed for relief. 

I want the shock back, to be numb again.

I struggle with the emotions that were hidden by the shock, hidden by the horror.

I don't know how to come to terms with this.  

I don't know how to find me in this nightmare.

I don't want to accept that my daughter is dead, that her children will never truly know her.

Four years she was sick, for 29 years she wasn't.  

The people who knew her out east knew only the sick woman, they are the ones raising her children.

They love her children, they are so good to them and for them.

But they didn't even get to know the woman we knew.

This haunts me....

I am falling deeper and deeper into this darkness of despair.

I don't want to come to terms with this.

I want my daughter back!


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